you know when something big happens in your life, not to you really, but to your family or a friend, or a group of friends and it feels like the world is not spinning the right way, but people around you just arent affected by it. ok, dont really know if that is a good explanation but oh well. i found out today that my stepmom filed for a divorce from my dad. it breaks my heart and it feels like what i am trying to explain above. i am at my moms house and i havent told her or my grandmother who is also here visiting. the world just seems wrong right now. i am so angry at my stepmom. i dont really know the story, but i am angry that my dad is hurting in a very big life way and she did it to him. it sounds so childish. my family has been through so much and just as things seem to be going well, jay getting married, my move, mom is doing great, turner and dad and fam are living life, bam...this happens. i havent hurt like this in a long time. maybe i should. i kinda wish i felt this feeling of the world isnt the way it is supposed to be a little more than i do. it isnt. we are drenched in sin. we are drenched in the world spitting images of real life at us all the time. but it doesnt seem to phase me. i go on seeking Jesus. reading my Christian books. building Christian relationships. trying to build relationships with high school and college kids. thinking i am not a part of this world spitting those images of perfection is the right way, a relationship is all that will make you happy, being skinny will complete you. i go on seeing it and not really being as grossed out by it as i claim to be. i live with it and feel sometimes as my life is spinning right along fine. but with this with my dad, i feel the world is off kilter. i have no idea how to spell that word. oh well. this is probably just sounding silly and i am rambling. my mom made a delicious dessert so i am going to have some delicious dessert.
until next time,
mccabe

so i havent written on here in over a month. i have been kind of out of pocket at young life camp in georgia. God has been showing me a lot about comparison, loving other people, and wrestling with Him. it has been a hard month, but so great at the same time. i love the kids in the dining hall so much and it really is a joy to walk through this month with them. they make me laugh a lot and God uses them to challenge me in my life with Him. i feel like i am livin the dream and lovin every minute of it.

favorite song right now, caedmon's call thy mercy

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy,
I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit,
Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit,
Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

Well, Hallelujah
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Well, Hallelujah

rachel came over last night. it was so great hanging out. we had a life giving talk and God really used her to soften my heart last night. we were talking about real relationships with people and getting involved in the junk in peoples' lives. rachel is one of my dearest friends here in auburn. in all of this moving i have thought "oh well we can still talk on the phone". but, today i was talking on the phone to another one of my dearest friends from here, jennifer, about her trip to africa and kept thinking "gosh, i wish we were having this talk in person over a meal or coffee. that would be so much more authentic and real". it made me sad about leaving people here and not being able to talk in person and see the expressions on their faces and know the days ins and outs of their lives. it made me realize how deep my relationships are here with people like rachel and jennifer. it sounds so lame, but it never seems to be until the end of something that the greatness is realized. cheesy i know. cliche sounding i know. overdramatic sounding i know. but so true too.

disolved by thy goodness, i fall to the ground,
and weep for the praise of the mercy i've found,
mccabe

it is 4:19 am according to my computer clock. i cannot sleep. and, i dont really know why. my heart doesnt seem heavy. it seems a little light in fact. i dont really like that. it feels foreign to me. and since my heart feels foreign, everything feels a little off in my life. i hate that. you know when you can remember the times when everything in your heart was right. not saying things and situations were good, but even in the pain, things you were experiencing in your heart were good. i dont know the last time i experienced that. it has been way too long. maybe that is part of why i cant sleep. i dont know.
my stomach is killing me. i feel hungry and ate half a peanutbutter sandwich, but it still hurts.
runs house is on tv right now. it is such a funny show. i love him and his family. he loves them a heck of a lot. i want a big family like his one day. but, time seems to be ticking on that one. ha.
this weekend my friend callie is getting married. i am so excited for her! it is going to be such a fun weekend, mainly because krista will be there too. i miss my best friend from college. it is so cool to me how our lives are in polar opposite places, but we still are best friends. i am moving to texas, she is settled in her hometown of memphis. she is married with a kid, and i have no child and no husband. she is hates anything pink and green and lilly and mainstream. i am kinda mainstream...i like trendy dresses and preppy things like headbands. but she is so great. we have so much fun together and i can really share my heart with her. i havent talked about my heart and what is going on with it for real in a long time. i dont say that in a pitiful me kind of way. i say it in a way of there just arent those kind of relationships in my life right now. its not bad, its just life. i dont share my real heart with a lot of people for real. there is part of me that is still afraid people dont want to see it. that if they saw it they would think it was too messy for them to have in their life. i love other peoples mess. it gives me life to be a part of that in peoples' lives. good thing i work for young life. my life is just messy in general...messy family, messy past, messy heart. i wish i could write songs, bc i would write one about the mess in our lives. i can kind of play guitar but am nowhere near good enough to write a song. maybe one day. then i will tour with brandon heath and he will want to marry me. haha. he is so adorable. gentleness is a big thing for me in relationships and he seems pretty gentle, and he seems like he would be a good friend. well, now i am rambling. not that i wasnt before. my heart feels a little more normal now too. a little cracked.
with a cracked heart and trying to sleep...
mccabe

check out my imix on itunes http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=256828921

right now i am procrastinating. procrastinating what? writing a paper. what, erin, you arent in college any longer. nope. area director school. who knew for young life you would have to write papers? well i have written my fair share since being on young life staff. i enjoy writing papers. it may be my giftedness actually, writing in general that is. i am quick and it sounds pretty excellent usually. one time i wrote a 22 page paper the morning it was due, and ate breakfast with a young life girl, and received a 100% a+ on it. pretty rad huh? i have written half of my paper thus far, which is supposed to be 10-12 total. it didnt even take me an hour to write the 5 pages i have done so far. ok, so now i am rambling to procrastinate.
i made an imix today, again to procrastinate. i had never published one before. not really sure what it means to publish it. no one will probably ever even see it, but it was kinda fun. it is called "hot fun in the summertime". looking back that name could come across as kind of sketch and a little lame. oh well, i like it. it has everything on it from tegan and sara to nickel creek to the format to jackopierce to pat mcgee to ryan adams. it is pretty sweet if i do say so myself. so, if you read this and like music and have itunes, check it out!
i started a new book a couple days ago, "sex god" by rob bell. it sounds sketch, but it isnt. the book is about relationships and how they relate to our relationship with God. it is pretty awesome so far. the part i read today was talking about how physical stuff in relationships is really about connectedness. that is what we want to achieve in our sexuality...everything from dating to holding hands to sex. connectedness. makes sense. the book has made me think a lot, cry once, and pushed me to face some things in my heart that have been deeply buried for many years. if you get a chance i would recommend checking it out for sure.
well, thats all i got for now. probably should write...or go for a walk.
mccabe

lost. have you seen it? and when i say that i mean the television show "lost". i had never really seen it before the past two nights. it is the creepiest show. who comes up with all the crazy stuff the people on the island have to do and situations the survivors are put in? after two nights of watching much of the 2nd season i must say, i dont know if i could be a regular viewer. each action and every little detail has to be retained because they seem to make a major impact on what is going on in the lives of the people on the island and that just made me tired. but, then there is a huge part of me that wants to go rent the first season and see all of those details and how everything and everyone is intertwined. i loved the flashbacks to the lives of the people on the island before the plane crashed. there is a part of me that loves knowing the details of their former lives then analyzing why they now do things they do. but, the whole typing numbers on the computer part is just weird and kinda bugs me for some reason.
the reason i was watching lost though, was because my friends mary ellen, claire, and i ate dinner at me's apt the past couple nights. that was fabulous! i feel so alone here in auburn, especially now since most of the students are gone, and eating homemade dinner two nights in a row at a table in an apartment, with the same people just felt like home and extremely refreshing. i dont know if i have eaten dinner with the same people two days in a row since spring break or when i have been visiting friends out of town. my heart is in a different place just because of our rich conversation and also fun conversation. i feel more alive. we were meant to live life amongst others and not just pouring into them in ministry but just with them. much of me has felt that, just living out ministry, not life.
last night we talked a lot about living life as someone following Christ and what that really looks like in the context of community and Church. the Church seems to be making a movement into cities and loving poor people (in spirit and financially), not just the rich white people who can give money to churches and are easy to love. i love it! it is very much my heart. time and time again Jesus loved the poor. I am listening to a sermon from midtown church in nashville and the minister, randy, is talking about the woman at the well. it is such a beautiful picture of who Jesus really is and Him loving people who are poor outcasts. He is esposing a broken woman of what she has done in the past and then telling her how much He loves her. He brings her sin to light then does something with it. her heart is changed after this encounter with Jesus where He is like, hey i know about your past and what you probably want to keep secret, but i want to be with you, know you, and love you anyhow. why is mine still afraid to be exposed.
well, i am gonna go eat a bowl of cereal. did you know target brand cereal is really good.? it is.
enjoy memorial day,
mccabe

so day 2 of the new blog. life in auburn in slow. typically i enjoy a fast pace of life full of people and things to do. i think a lot and in the midst of all of the things going on around me usually am very in touch with my heart and thoughts that although there is busyness my life seems relatively slow. i guess you could say i typically have a pretty good rhythm of life in the midst of the fast moving rhythm of my actions and daily activities. but this slowing down of daily activities has sped up the rhythm of my soul. i dont like it. this morning was one of the best mornings i have had in a long time though. the slow and quiet felt like home. it felt natural and for the past few weeks it has felt unnatural, which was starting to take a toll on me. i read this in psalm 62 earlier, "trust in Him at all times, o people, pour out your hearts to Him." beauty. and when i think of this pouring out of my heart to Him it has the rhythm of a beautiful melody like a patty griffin song. last time i wrote on here i mentioned the song mystery by the indigo girls. the words and rhythm of that song are amazing and truly are a glimpse into my heart right now, (except they are writing about other girls and i am not) . here are the lyrics from the first verse:

Each time youd pull down the driveway
I wasnt sure when I would see you again
Yours was a twisted blind sided highway
No matter which road you took then
Oh you set up your place in my thoughts
Moved in and made my thinking crowded
Now were out in the back with the barking dogs
My heart the red sun
Your heart the moon clouded
I could go crazy on a night like tonight
When summers beginning to give up her fight
And every thoughts a possibility
And the voices are heard but nothing is seen
Why do you spend this time with me
Maybe an equal mystery

thats all for now. enjoy this day...
mccabe

so i used to have a blog. it was a xanga. somehow God used it to give my heart great life. i express myself through writing so much better than through speaking. for some reason what i try to communicate comes out different than how i thought of it in my head. but in any case, that year that i blogged was great for my heart and right now i think it would be a great thing for my heart. i started my xanga...xanga.com/ylmccabe one night when i couldnt sleep due to lots of issues setting up house in my heart and mind. i was about to move to auburn, leave the town where i went to college, and for the first time in about 7 years have to claim my faith and who i am in a very real and new way. its funny because i know i have changed and grown and God has done great things in me and my heart over the past two years but some of those same issues are still living in me...insecurities, place in life, thinking dizzy, loving matt wertz, still short (ok those last two were for humor. gotta lighten the mood a bit). but for real, i love blogging and i miss it. there is something that i love about being vulnerable and the people in my life who know about this site have the opportunity to read it but dont have to and can talk to me about what i write or dont have to and either way they know my heart and where it is in life but i dont feel as exposed. being exposed has been a major theme in my life over the past two years. more into that later probably.

another thing i love almost as much as blogging is lists. i love making lists, crossing things off lists, dave lettermans 10 ten list. so here are the top 10 things i am loving right now 05.23.07...

10. "same kind of different as me" by ron hall and denver moore its a book about dallas and people from different parts of society building relationship and living life together.

9. rain. not just the patty griffin song, but the sky outside my bedroom window is black and i love summer rain, especially on the front porch with a cigar.

8. dallas. i mean i am moving there and am pretty stoked, although it feels really far away.

7. imago dei community podcast. rick mckinley rocks it and God really used his sermon on brokenhaeartedness in my heart.

6. brandon heath music. he was at work week last week and his song called something like red sky is my favorite. plus, he is so cute. (i know this makes it a top 15 or something but i also am really into the weepies, damien rice, caleb caruth, and ryan adams...you should check them out too)

5. fruit. just cant seem to get enough of it, especially oranges and apples.

4. mystery by indigo girls. great song. you should download it.

3. my brother getting married. i am so excited for my brother and holly! they are like the all american couple, he is in ministry she is a nurse. they are going to live in lynchburg, va while he does his young life internship. they are the kind of couple that will end up having a golden retriever, suv, cute house, and great kids that know Jesus well, all while drinking a beer and being cool.

2. 1 Kings 3:1-15. my time with the Lord has felt very dry as of late and today this passage gave me great life. "The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this and not for long life for wealth for yourself, nor have you asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, i will do what you have asked, i will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be." -1 Kings 10-12 i love the unselfishness that is portrayed here, but too bad solomon did not remain faithful and receieve what the Lord had for him.

1. pam and jim. not really my number one, but couldnt think of anything else and they are the greatest love story after Jesus.

-mccabe