It has been quite awhile since i wrote on here. oh well, better late than never i suppose. this weekend my little brother, jay, got married! it was awesome. he and his fiance, or wife now, holly, are amazing. they love Jesus a lot and love each other a lot and i am just so thrilled for them. at the rehearsal dinner people stood up over and over again talking about how great jay is. and, he is great. but what i thought was so cool was that the guys standing up really knew him well. he has lived with most of them for several years and they have such authentic and genuine friendships with each other. it made me long for that here in dallas. and, i think i found it. well, the route to it. there are 3 friendships here where God has just kind of brought us together. we love each other and love spending time with each other and it is just really a great thing. and, i am excited about us being more intentional about our friendships and seeing what God does with that. honestly, it is what got me back on the plane to come home today. it is hard saying goodbye to family often. i miss my mom, dad, and brothers a lot. way more than i thought i would. it burdens me greatly to see them go through life and me not know their heart in a real way. because over the phone it is hard to know someones heart in the most real kind of way. i miss them, because i love them. and i would rather miss them because i love them than not miss them at all.
Jesus is good,
mccabe

i read in ezra this morning. (8:21-23 to be exact) wasnt that intrigued by it from the start. but, it ended up being really great. my friend ashley showed me a great way to diagram and study the text when reading the Bible. it sounds so nerdy but i am kind of a nerd i guess. and, it just helps me to understand and see what God is saying so much better. when i read the Word this way i love Jesus more because i see such a better picture of what is being said in the text. i feel i truly am living out what it means to "have His Word written on my heart".

i got to talk to my brother today. it is so cool that we are both on young life staff by the way. i love it! but, today we were talking and he brought up the ryan long song "face it alone". it is about a girl who defines who she is by boys and what other people see her as. the lyrics say, "who are you inside. do you really know...strange how alone we can feel in the midst of a crowded room". i love those lines. they are so much the heart of me in high school (and even some now) . so badly i want to know my high school friends well. i want to show them there is a better way. i want to love them well. sometimes i wonder if i dont have what it takes to be in the lives of high school kids, like i just am not cool enough and cant relate to them well. but, i love this age where they have so many pressures and their hearts are filled with so much crap. here i go again, just talking about junk and sad stuff.

if you know me and you read this, pray for a group of friends for me here in dallas. i just dont feel connected to a group of people here and i desire it in a great way right now.
love,
mccabe

i got my haircut tuesday. and i must say, i love it. it is easy and many people have said it suits my personality. the haircut is very short and some have used the word "sassy" so i guess two words to describe me are short and sassy. i can live with that.
right now is a very great half hour, both the hills and the office are on tv. my two favorite shows. my least favorite person on television and my favorite are on right now. favorite=jim halpert. least favorite=spencer pratt.
today i was driving to the office and realized that i live in a city. i mean i know i live in a city, hello, i live in dallas. living life in knoxville and auburn just included parks, walking trails, getting away from the busyness and feeling away from my normal life. here i dont so much get that. tehre are buildings everywhere. there are lots of trees and i live in a very nice section of town with lots of green, but most of the green is leaves on trees on the side of big parking lots and playing fields for softball and frisbee and such games. i like going to parks and finding places in nature to feel away from daily routine and busyness. probably should be able to find that here in my house in times of quiet, it is just a lot harder. all i ever do on here is talk about places i am struggling or where i want things to change.
things really arent that sad in my life. i am loving getting to know people here in dallas. i really love the people i work with and have gotten to know a few people outside of young life too. it is so great having friends my own age. last night danielle and i had people over to watch some of season 3 from the office. it was so fun! i loved it. both the office and having the people over! danielle and i have different groups of friends and i love that we get to know each others friends...then maybe we can all be friends. hahahah, that sounded so cheesey.
ok, well i am gonna go finish watching my shows then hit the sack early.
mccabe

couple days in a row. arent you readers lucky?
i dont really know what i want to write. but, for some reason i want to.
i miss my family. i didnt realize moving to texas would make me feel so far away from them. what a great thing to have a family that i love enough to miss.
mornings are rough for me these days. never have been before. i have always been an early bird. now i find myself with the ability to sleep for long periods of time.
i am so excited for young life to start. right now i dont really feel connected with my team or people in the community yet and am very ready to have those relationships take off. pray that they do, because right now i feel as if they may never. times of disconnect lead me to bad places in my heart. cs lewis says that one of satans greatest ploys is to have us "idealize the past and have unrealistic expecations of the future". he gets me with it every time. and in times of disconnect i idealize relationships, well not so much relationships and situations involving people. i forget about the politics or the cliques or the junk that went along with being a part of certain communities. i just remember the people, their smiling faces, looking deep into their eyes in their times of hurt, or hearing about their lives and laughing about what the day had brought them. my friend kelly just called, so i kind of lost my train of thought. it was so good to talk to her. i miss her. gosh, i miss people. i miss knowing people. i miss them knowing me. no one here knows me, really for real. and no one knows the little things either. no one knows i love pink and green (well ashley does) and that green olives are my favorite food and i think heidi klum sounds like she has a baby voice on project runway and that i fall asleep in any movie at any time of the day and that hands open by snow patrol is one of my favorite songs to sing loud in the car and she doesnt get it by the band the format has a part that goes "she stops and she sings do do do do do do do do" and i love that part and play it on repeat and no one knows my best friends are callie krista and kristen and that they all live in tn and have such different lives than me. i am ready for people to know this stuff because i am ready to feel at home and connected with people. i am ready to know that kind of stuff about them.
well, i am gonna go. that wore me out. haha.
love,
mccabe

so i never update this. it is a shame. i have lived in dallas over a month now. how cool huh. i really do like it here. today i was driving and realized how much city there is out there that i havent even explored yet. that exploring part of me was very attracted to moving to a new and exciting city and i feel a part of me has been lost because i havent even been taking advantage of it. ok, now lost in that last sentence may not have been the proper word, but i cant think of a better one right now. which, speaking of right now, i am watching "the holiday". ever seen it? it is my favorite movie of 2006-2007 thus far. it is all about relationships and i am usually very drawn to those types of movies. thinking back to when i first saw this movie, my life was so different circumstancially (is that a word?) but so much the same inside of my heart. yesterday at church the minister was talking about how we see heaven. he said that to most people heaven is never having to worry about money, fairways that go on forever, and luxury cars at your infinate disposal. heaven to me would be never feeling that i dont measure up. up to what? i dont know, i guess society's standards. ever since i was a kid i always wanted to be the best and sought after those things that i was good at too. *sidenote...jim halpert is in this scene in the movie...i am in love with him* but, why do i even care about society's standards. it is a constant struggle. my heart knows a better way, but chooses to measure up to some standard that is attainable and measurable. why isnt just loving Jesus enough? sorry to kind of go off there and possibly reveal a little too much. Christ loves in weaknesses though. so why do i feel so weak in mine and not stronger? well, my roomie and bff danielle just walked in so i am gonna go and finish watching my movie. sorry this is scattered and probably a little repetitive. i seem to always come back to the same places...insecurities due to lack of realizing how much Jesus loves me.
mccabe

dang good. dallas is dang good. i am just loving it here! time and time again i see God affirming me that this is a good place for my heart right now. i have made a couple friends. still not a group and not hanging out all the time friends, but hopefully that will come soon. pray. tonight i picked up some of the woodrow yl girls from their wilderness trip. i just love them! they are so rad. i am so excited about being in lakewood (the most beautiful/coolest part of dallas) and all of the kids there. it seems like such a great fit so far. and oh the parents are so great! i feel like i will have many moms here, which is great for numerous reasons, one of them being i am super close to my mom and miss her being so far away.
well, i am gonna peace out.
so, peace out...
mccabe

i live in texas! for all of you that have your preconceived notions of what texas is like, get rid of them. because so far, texas hasnt been that prideful or ugly. there is no one walking around in cowboy hats and horses hanging out in the streets. although i stopped at a gas station somewhere around houston on my way back to dallas from claire and reids wedding and there was a horse just chillin there. he had an owner, but i have no idea what they were doing at a gas station on a busy road. oh well. other than that, texas (dallas, especially) has been pretty normal. although, no one wears croakies here...weird.
its been a harder in ways i didnt expect being here. the things about my job that i thought were going to be easiest have ended up being the hardest and the most unfamiliar parts which i thought would be the most challenging for me have ended up being the easiest and almost the most natural. maybe that is because i have only been here about a week and a half for real and relationships take time so they are going to be the hardest at first and office work kind of things dont take time, they just have to get done and they do, quickly. it has pushed me to a great place with the Lord of reliance on Him and seeking who i am because He loves me and not because of the number of relationships i have or how great my relationships are.
speaking of relationships, i am ready to have friends for real. now again, i know it takes time...a long time. i have hungout with people and i really like them and all. but, i just feel like i am not myself around them. at first around new people i am so intimidated and quiet and probably, um not probably, most definitely the most awkward person ever. i say the wrong thing and make stupid comments and then just shut up because i dont want to be the weird girl. for the past two years i havent really been in a city to have friends my own age and its like i am super out of practice too haha. but again, desiring friends and friends that are real has forced me to a great place of seeking God and asking Him to provide, fill my heart when it feels alone, and to give me confidence in Him alone. today should be a fun day though, i have lunch with a friend (well, i havent met her but she is a friend of a friend, and hopefully we will be friends. hayes said she seriously thinks we will be bff and i sure hope we are :). so lunch with a friend coffee or walking (depending on the heat) with another friend...again, havent met her but we have chatted it up on the phone. she too is a friend of a friend. gosh, i sound creepy. then tonight, yes get ready, i am going to the cowboys preseason game with my friend sidney (i do know him for real) and they are playing...THE COLTS!!! ahhh, peyton manning! I LOVE HIM! AHHH! now peyton will probably just play one quarter, but i will be in the same building as him which is great with me. so today should be a good day. little office, little meeitng people, little football. a good day had by all. but, then there is tomorrow haha. its like each day is a whole new experience and my heart experiences Christ's love in a new way. right now the song "in the broken places" by david wilcox is kind of my theme song. "stronger than ever now in the broken places...maybe where the heart breaks in two is the only way grace can get through, to find me." yeah, kinda is me right now. in the broken heartedness i am sort of experiencing amidst a lot of excitement and wonder seeing the grace and love of Jesus is seeping through in those places.
so if you pray, pray for relationships to form with my team and committee and pray for friends for me and for a place for me to watch high school musical 2 tomorrow night, my cable guy couldnt come until saturday morning :)

mccabe

you know when something big happens in your life, not to you really, but to your family or a friend, or a group of friends and it feels like the world is not spinning the right way, but people around you just arent affected by it. ok, dont really know if that is a good explanation but oh well. i found out today that my stepmom filed for a divorce from my dad. it breaks my heart and it feels like what i am trying to explain above. i am at my moms house and i havent told her or my grandmother who is also here visiting. the world just seems wrong right now. i am so angry at my stepmom. i dont really know the story, but i am angry that my dad is hurting in a very big life way and she did it to him. it sounds so childish. my family has been through so much and just as things seem to be going well, jay getting married, my move, mom is doing great, turner and dad and fam are living life, bam...this happens. i havent hurt like this in a long time. maybe i should. i kinda wish i felt this feeling of the world isnt the way it is supposed to be a little more than i do. it isnt. we are drenched in sin. we are drenched in the world spitting images of real life at us all the time. but it doesnt seem to phase me. i go on seeking Jesus. reading my Christian books. building Christian relationships. trying to build relationships with high school and college kids. thinking i am not a part of this world spitting those images of perfection is the right way, a relationship is all that will make you happy, being skinny will complete you. i go on seeing it and not really being as grossed out by it as i claim to be. i live with it and feel sometimes as my life is spinning right along fine. but with this with my dad, i feel the world is off kilter. i have no idea how to spell that word. oh well. this is probably just sounding silly and i am rambling. my mom made a delicious dessert so i am going to have some delicious dessert.
until next time,
mccabe

so i havent written on here in over a month. i have been kind of out of pocket at young life camp in georgia. God has been showing me a lot about comparison, loving other people, and wrestling with Him. it has been a hard month, but so great at the same time. i love the kids in the dining hall so much and it really is a joy to walk through this month with them. they make me laugh a lot and God uses them to challenge me in my life with Him. i feel like i am livin the dream and lovin every minute of it.

favorite song right now, caedmon's call thy mercy

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy,
I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit,
Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit,
Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

Well, Hallelujah
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Well, Hallelujah

rachel came over last night. it was so great hanging out. we had a life giving talk and God really used her to soften my heart last night. we were talking about real relationships with people and getting involved in the junk in peoples' lives. rachel is one of my dearest friends here in auburn. in all of this moving i have thought "oh well we can still talk on the phone". but, today i was talking on the phone to another one of my dearest friends from here, jennifer, about her trip to africa and kept thinking "gosh, i wish we were having this talk in person over a meal or coffee. that would be so much more authentic and real". it made me sad about leaving people here and not being able to talk in person and see the expressions on their faces and know the days ins and outs of their lives. it made me realize how deep my relationships are here with people like rachel and jennifer. it sounds so lame, but it never seems to be until the end of something that the greatness is realized. cheesy i know. cliche sounding i know. overdramatic sounding i know. but so true too.

disolved by thy goodness, i fall to the ground,
and weep for the praise of the mercy i've found,
mccabe