it is 4:19 am according to my computer clock. i cannot sleep. and, i dont really know why. my heart doesnt seem heavy. it seems a little light in fact. i dont really like that. it feels foreign to me. and since my heart feels foreign, everything feels a little off in my life. i hate that. you know when you can remember the times when everything in your heart was right. not saying things and situations were good, but even in the pain, things you were experiencing in your heart were good. i dont know the last time i experienced that. it has been way too long. maybe that is part of why i cant sleep. i dont know.
my stomach is killing me. i feel hungry and ate half a peanutbutter sandwich, but it still hurts.
runs house is on tv right now. it is such a funny show. i love him and his family. he loves them a heck of a lot. i want a big family like his one day. but, time seems to be ticking on that one. ha.
this weekend my friend callie is getting married. i am so excited for her! it is going to be such a fun weekend, mainly because krista will be there too. i miss my best friend from college. it is so cool to me how our lives are in polar opposite places, but we still are best friends. i am moving to texas, she is settled in her hometown of memphis. she is married with a kid, and i have no child and no husband. she is hates anything pink and green and lilly and mainstream. i am kinda mainstream...i like trendy dresses and preppy things like headbands. but she is so great. we have so much fun together and i can really share my heart with her. i havent talked about my heart and what is going on with it for real in a long time. i dont say that in a pitiful me kind of way. i say it in a way of there just arent those kind of relationships in my life right now. its not bad, its just life. i dont share my real heart with a lot of people for real. there is part of me that is still afraid people dont want to see it. that if they saw it they would think it was too messy for them to have in their life. i love other peoples mess. it gives me life to be a part of that in peoples' lives. good thing i work for young life. my life is just messy in general...messy family, messy past, messy heart. i wish i could write songs, bc i would write one about the mess in our lives. i can kind of play guitar but am nowhere near good enough to write a song. maybe one day. then i will tour with brandon heath and he will want to marry me. haha. he is so adorable. gentleness is a big thing for me in relationships and he seems pretty gentle, and he seems like he would be a good friend. well, now i am rambling. not that i wasnt before. my heart feels a little more normal now too. a little cracked.
with a cracked heart and trying to sleep...

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