Heartbeat.

I have become a slack blogger, never thought I would be, but alas, it has happened. I would say that it is because I am really busy, but I do not like it when people say they are busy. It seems to be the cool thing to say and here in Dallas. Sometimes it even feels like people try to one up each other on their busyness. I get it though, being busy can come across as being wanted and popular (does that even exist in adulthood?) and therefore cool, which can be a deep source of identity. So, I won't say I have been busy, I will just say that my lack of free time (due to school, work, and internship) has been spent in other places. Namely sleeping, talking to my mom on the phone, watching my Tivo, eating tilapia and edamame every single night for dinner, and that is about it.
Each day I feel differently when I look at where my life is right now. Some days I am o.k. with the fact that most of my time is spent doing homework, working retail, and being an intern who doesn't get paid. And along with that doing something social about once a week, twice if I am really lucky. Then, other days I look at my life and think, I am 30, almost 31, spend most of my time doing homework, working retail, and being an intern who doesn't get paid. And along with that doing something social about once a week, twice if I am really lucky. And I get an ache in my stomach and heart and might start to cry, because I don't see life changing much in the next two and a half to three years and I get very tired and angry that I am going to be 33-34 just starting a career and probably alone (because in moments of tiredness of course that issue and assumptions creep in ).
In those moments of crying and being tired just thinking about the next few years of life I am not trusting God. I am not trusting that He will take care of me. That He has brought me to this place. That He is where I find life. That He matters more than my grades. That He has good things in store for me in this season of work and very little rest. That He is a God that provides jobs. That He loves me. Then comparison kicks in big time. I start looking at everyone else's life and thinking how they have it so much better than me and if I was just a smarter/better design student and everything just came naturally (because of course no one else has to work in school it is just all natural to them) then my life wouldn't be as daunting as it looks.
I am leading a Bible Study of sophomores at SMU through RUF (the highlight of my week) and this past Sunday I shared with them my favorite verse, "He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart." -Isaiah 40:11. And, I want to practice the discipline of remembrance and remember the tender words and beautiful picture that in this season of life, that God gathers me close to his heart where he carries me close to him and I can hear his heartbeat of love for me.