Beauty in the Breakdown.

Inspired by this post by the adorable, talented, and real Emily Henderson, the words of Frou Frou, and the desire for this blog to be about not just the pretty parts of life, but the messy parts as well, here are the thoughts that are really swimming in my head a majority of days. 

Moving is stressful, emotional, and tiring. If you have moved across the country you know this, heck if you have moved down the street you know that. It is stressful because there are so many moving pieces that have to fit together like the perfect jigsaw puzzle (and all cost money).  If one doesn't fit, it makes all the other pieces unusable. Also adding to the stress, in the months of prep for moving there is still normal life going on, and for me that means school, work, friends, and sleep (or lack thereof). It is emotional because if you are anything like me and you are already an emotional being from the start, then add saying goodbye to people you love, leaving a life that is very comfortable, and a city that feels like home into the mix and you are asking for emotional wreckage. Stress plus emotion equals tired, in my life.

This trifecta typically plays itself out (daily) on the phone with my mother one of two ways, crying or cussing. The topic of conversation with my sweet, patient, and loving mother is usually finances (98% of the time), how tired I am (75%), what if I never make it as a Set Decorator and move all the way to California for nothing which inevitably leads back into finances (60%), grades and school (55%), how much I am not looking forward to packing up my house (30%), the fact that I am organizing all of the pieces of my move and packing by myself (29%), what to do if I can't transfer with Anthropologie (22%), how I would love to change my major to Art History instead of Interior Design (10%), how God has continued to show me that He is a God that is good, provides, and is for me, and that this move and my desire to work in film and television come as no surprise to Him and actually He is the one who put them there, and that this right now, this stressful, emotional, and tiring place in life is exactly where God has me so that I will know Him best and that His glory will be revealed to other people (5%).

I feel like if I could take the 5% and put a 10 in front of it all of the other percentages would flip flop. I would start really looking at how the Lord has crafted my heart with a desire for Art History and see what that looks like for the future, my heart would trust that God is going to provide a job for me whether it is at Anthropologie or somewhere else and if it isn't Anthro it is because He wants me elsewhere, I would realize that God is there in every aspect of this move so I am not alone, the daunting task of cleaning out my house would be an opportunity to recognize that every moment no matter how ordinary is a holy moment in life where God has me, my value would come in knowing Christ and his love for me and not in a grade on a sheet of paper, I would remember that the Lord is the one would gives jobs and all I have to do is love God, know He loves me, and go for it, I would ask the Lord to give me strength from Him when I am exhausted, and instead of worrying about money to the point of tears I would hold money loosely, knowing that security in finances is not where real security is found, it is in Christ alone.

I have been camping out in Psalm 131 this week. The Lord has used the words tenderly in my heart...
1God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business 
      or fantasized grandiose plans. 

 2 I've kept my feet on the ground, 
      I've cultivated a quiet heart. 
   Like a baby content in its mother's arms, 
      my soul is a baby content. 

 3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope. 
      Hope now; hope always!
-Psalm 131 
The Message 


lacey said...

hi! i have been following your blog long before i had a blog of my own. i have to say, your postings are some of my favorites. you are very honest and real about your life, and i admire you for being so brave to share it with the world! keep trucking on. everything will work out. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hands down one of the most beautiful posts you've written yet. Thank you for breaking down the percentages of what you're experiencing. Jon and I are praying for you and are SO excited for the opportunities that lie ahead of you. Uncertainty will attempt to take hold of your heart every time you struggle thinking about the future, but I have no doubt you will overcome your fears and by the time you get to Cali, you'll breathe a sigh of relief. Right now I'm planning a tentative trip to LA and would love to know when you plan on leaving. Can I help you pack? Can I take you to dinner PLEASE! Let me know if you need a listening ear to vent or cuss at! Love you!

christi @ burlap and basil said...

you are so honest and i love this. moving, life changes, packing ... it is all stressful. i hope that this move goes well. you are moving to the right place to be a set designer and i hope that my fellow la folks welcome you with open arms!