i read in ezra this morning. (8:21-23 to be exact) wasnt that intrigued by it from the start. but, it ended up being really great. my friend ashley showed me a great way to diagram and study the text when reading the Bible. it sounds so nerdy but i am kind of a nerd i guess. and, it just helps me to understand and see what God is saying so much better. when i read the Word this way i love Jesus more because i see such a better picture of what is being said in the text. i feel i truly am living out what it means to "have His Word written on my heart".

i got to talk to my brother today. it is so cool that we are both on young life staff by the way. i love it! but, today we were talking and he brought up the ryan long song "face it alone". it is about a girl who defines who she is by boys and what other people see her as. the lyrics say, "who are you inside. do you really know...strange how alone we can feel in the midst of a crowded room". i love those lines. they are so much the heart of me in high school (and even some now) . so badly i want to know my high school friends well. i want to show them there is a better way. i want to love them well. sometimes i wonder if i dont have what it takes to be in the lives of high school kids, like i just am not cool enough and cant relate to them well. but, i love this age where they have so many pressures and their hearts are filled with so much crap. here i go again, just talking about junk and sad stuff.

if you know me and you read this, pray for a group of friends for me here in dallas. i just dont feel connected to a group of people here and i desire it in a great way right now.
love,
mccabe

i got my haircut tuesday. and i must say, i love it. it is easy and many people have said it suits my personality. the haircut is very short and some have used the word "sassy" so i guess two words to describe me are short and sassy. i can live with that.
right now is a very great half hour, both the hills and the office are on tv. my two favorite shows. my least favorite person on television and my favorite are on right now. favorite=jim halpert. least favorite=spencer pratt.
today i was driving to the office and realized that i live in a city. i mean i know i live in a city, hello, i live in dallas. living life in knoxville and auburn just included parks, walking trails, getting away from the busyness and feeling away from my normal life. here i dont so much get that. tehre are buildings everywhere. there are lots of trees and i live in a very nice section of town with lots of green, but most of the green is leaves on trees on the side of big parking lots and playing fields for softball and frisbee and such games. i like going to parks and finding places in nature to feel away from daily routine and busyness. probably should be able to find that here in my house in times of quiet, it is just a lot harder. all i ever do on here is talk about places i am struggling or where i want things to change.
things really arent that sad in my life. i am loving getting to know people here in dallas. i really love the people i work with and have gotten to know a few people outside of young life too. it is so great having friends my own age. last night danielle and i had people over to watch some of season 3 from the office. it was so fun! i loved it. both the office and having the people over! danielle and i have different groups of friends and i love that we get to know each others friends...then maybe we can all be friends. hahahah, that sounded so cheesey.
ok, well i am gonna go finish watching my shows then hit the sack early.
mccabe

couple days in a row. arent you readers lucky?
i dont really know what i want to write. but, for some reason i want to.
i miss my family. i didnt realize moving to texas would make me feel so far away from them. what a great thing to have a family that i love enough to miss.
mornings are rough for me these days. never have been before. i have always been an early bird. now i find myself with the ability to sleep for long periods of time.
i am so excited for young life to start. right now i dont really feel connected with my team or people in the community yet and am very ready to have those relationships take off. pray that they do, because right now i feel as if they may never. times of disconnect lead me to bad places in my heart. cs lewis says that one of satans greatest ploys is to have us "idealize the past and have unrealistic expecations of the future". he gets me with it every time. and in times of disconnect i idealize relationships, well not so much relationships and situations involving people. i forget about the politics or the cliques or the junk that went along with being a part of certain communities. i just remember the people, their smiling faces, looking deep into their eyes in their times of hurt, or hearing about their lives and laughing about what the day had brought them. my friend kelly just called, so i kind of lost my train of thought. it was so good to talk to her. i miss her. gosh, i miss people. i miss knowing people. i miss them knowing me. no one here knows me, really for real. and no one knows the little things either. no one knows i love pink and green (well ashley does) and that green olives are my favorite food and i think heidi klum sounds like she has a baby voice on project runway and that i fall asleep in any movie at any time of the day and that hands open by snow patrol is one of my favorite songs to sing loud in the car and she doesnt get it by the band the format has a part that goes "she stops and she sings do do do do do do do do" and i love that part and play it on repeat and no one knows my best friends are callie krista and kristen and that they all live in tn and have such different lives than me. i am ready for people to know this stuff because i am ready to feel at home and connected with people. i am ready to know that kind of stuff about them.
well, i am gonna go. that wore me out. haha.
love,
mccabe

so i never update this. it is a shame. i have lived in dallas over a month now. how cool huh. i really do like it here. today i was driving and realized how much city there is out there that i havent even explored yet. that exploring part of me was very attracted to moving to a new and exciting city and i feel a part of me has been lost because i havent even been taking advantage of it. ok, now lost in that last sentence may not have been the proper word, but i cant think of a better one right now. which, speaking of right now, i am watching "the holiday". ever seen it? it is my favorite movie of 2006-2007 thus far. it is all about relationships and i am usually very drawn to those types of movies. thinking back to when i first saw this movie, my life was so different circumstancially (is that a word?) but so much the same inside of my heart. yesterday at church the minister was talking about how we see heaven. he said that to most people heaven is never having to worry about money, fairways that go on forever, and luxury cars at your infinate disposal. heaven to me would be never feeling that i dont measure up. up to what? i dont know, i guess society's standards. ever since i was a kid i always wanted to be the best and sought after those things that i was good at too. *sidenote...jim halpert is in this scene in the movie...i am in love with him* but, why do i even care about society's standards. it is a constant struggle. my heart knows a better way, but chooses to measure up to some standard that is attainable and measurable. why isnt just loving Jesus enough? sorry to kind of go off there and possibly reveal a little too much. Christ loves in weaknesses though. so why do i feel so weak in mine and not stronger? well, my roomie and bff danielle just walked in so i am gonna go and finish watching my movie. sorry this is scattered and probably a little repetitive. i seem to always come back to the same places...insecurities due to lack of realizing how much Jesus loves me.
mccabe